AnonymousCoworker

So this morning I’m getting ready for work, and as I’m eating my cereal (Cereal because I’m a child, bran flakes because I’m a geezer. I figure it averages out to about 29.) I turned on the TV to see what was happening. Maybe check to make sure there were no explosions in the world. Anyway, I stumbled across the last few minutes of a movie on HBO that looked so awesome I had to tell you about it.

There were these guys, right, and they were in the desert or something, and then there was this car driving really fast. Oh! And some guy was hanging off of a cliff by a rope, and the car was, like, waiting at the bottom for him to fall, maybe to eat him? Anyway, they pull the guy up from the rope and they also have some explosives and some wire and one of those boxes where you push the thing down and then it travels to the wire and blows something up. Yeah, but, so the car comes up to where the guys have the explosion-pusher-wire-box thing and two guys just kind of stand there and the car tries to run them over but they jump out of the way at the last second and the car drives over the cliff and they push the explosion box thing and it blows up and buries the car under a mountain.

BUT! Then there’s this huge explosion of fire and the fucking DEVIL is walking through the flames at them, tall as a building, and spitting fire and shit all over the place! It was so fucking awesome. So now I want two things:

1) I want to see this whole movie. I know, it’s like, “You already saw the ending, why would you want to see the whole movie now?” That’s a dumb thought. Anybody who thinks that is dumb. It’s like looking at a rollercoaster and going, “Well, I already saw it, so I might as well just skip it.” Six Flags must love your ass. Go to the park and buy hot dogs and shit but don’t get on any rides. Fuck. They could put up cardboard cutouts for rides and it would be good enough for you. Jesus Christ.

2) This movie needs to be remade. And not like the fucking stupid horrible terrible movie remakes like “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” or “I am Legend” or “War of the Worlds” or “The Day the Earth Stood Still” where they essentially took the literal film out of the canisters and took a giant shit on it and then stuffed it, still steaming, back into the projector and called it a remake or some fucking other PR nonsense bullshit. I am talking about this movie needs to be remade, shot for shot, but with new actors, new cars, and new cameras, and new explosions. And, god help me, Michael Bay needs to direct that shit. Don’t change anything about the movie. Just update it. And add like, ten thousand more explosions. That’s all I’m asking. Maybe there could be a shot from space where you see an eruption of fire spew into the sky and the devil is like unfurling these enormous bat wings that are roiling with black fire. That would be so awesome.

Also, I realize Michael Bay remade “Amityville Horror” and it was so awful that people request being beaten to death by bricks than being forced to watch that movie, but you know, that movie didn’t have explosions.

So, I guess, in summary, they need to remake the 1977 movie “The Car”.